Standing on the Outside...

When I was a child my mother, the extrovert, would tell me to "go make friends" with other children wherever we were.  Panic would overcome me and I would try to sell the better idea of me remaining at her side.  Now I wasn't as shy as that kid who cried, or rather, SCREAMED every moment of every day in Kindergarten.  Nevertheless I was timid and afraid of how I might be hurt if someone didn't like me.

As I grew older I gained many many wonderful friends, thanks to the outgoing nature of the first few who led me to the rest in one way or another.  My senior year of high school, I transformed into a social butterfly.  One day I just decided to say "hi" to everyone and rather than looking at my feet when I walked through the halls I would look people in the eyes and smile.  WOW that made a huge difference in my life.  Once I felt safe I would open up and become the crowd pleaser with my humor and wit.  Truthfully this "wit" was heavy on the sarcasm and since becoming a Darling Mother Dear I have locked that gift away in order to preserve the innocence of my children.  When you don't practice something for a long time, we all know, you lose it...

I believe it is in my nature to be standbackish rather than social in new environments.  Although I have long practiced or I should say labored to be extroverted, there is a constant voice (not a schizophrenic voice mind you) telling me how awkward I am.  This leads me to actually become awkward and eventually quit and go to my corner.

Being married to a party animal is often painful for me, especially when I am suffering through a bout of "I want my Momma".  See, when my Momma was there she made sure I had the courage to do things, she would say "Put me in your pocket" and send me off into the world.  But my husband just says, "Hey I'm going off to...see you later", while I stand there having a silent anxiety attack.  I give it a while and when I believe he has had sufficient fun I go to him and suggest we head home.  To which my husband often obliges (especially if I sell the idea that something at home will be SO much more fun).  Then again there are those times when my husband is having the most fun he can imagine for the time being and he tries to sell why I should want to stay.  I really don't like to be a party pooper, I actually like to have fun.  Some people in this world only know me to be a FUN person.  There was a window of about 10 years when I was a blast.  I'm glad I have those memories.

Recently we went to a party where we felt a bit on the outside.  The difference between the party animal and me is that he went off into the sunset to have fun and I drifted from one end of the party to the next looking for a friend and a safe place.  I tried to enter into different groups of people having conversations but it was only a success as long as they stayed to talk, when they walked away I was left thinking, "I wish I had a friend at this party".  Consequently I had several pleasant conversations with admirable people, but to remain standing on the outside after several hours put me over the edge. 

Driving away from the party I actually felt a panic come over me, "what's wrong with me" I thought.  At home I put the baby to bed and snuggled with my three-year-old, we said our night prayers together.  I remembered in my quiet that Father's homily that day was on humility.  I had thought I was a pretty humble person - I honestly don't think I'm better than other people.  I know my faults and I am pretty hard on myself for those faults.  But to feel alone and avoided is something totally different.  I actually thought to myself during Father's homily, "God, help me to be a more humble person".  Well I got a good dose of it that night...

Reflecting back over the last few days I see how necessary it was that I experienced loneliness.  I have ignored the loneliness of others.  I have enjoyed my popularity and wealth of friends as others stood on the outside looking in...

Shame on me for ever forgetting the suffering of an introvert, the preference of a little girl (at heart) to sit within the safety net of her Mother.   I hope this bit of hurt will cause me to be more sensitive to the sufferings of others and not become more withdrawn.  "God, help me to be more sensitive to the loneliness of others". 

Oh and "God, let me feel the presence of my Momma today.  I really miss her."